My Best Day
This is my best day —one that hasn’t happened yet, but I know, with absolute certainty, that this day will come.
Hey, Alex Russell!
In the TV series Maid, you asked us to share our best day.
So here’s mine — though it’s also one that hasn’t happened yet. Let’s fast forward a couple of years from now since I binge-watched Maid.
Today, I wake up to the sound of my alarm. Groggily, I rise from the comfort of my bed, slip on my cardigan, and hold it closer to me. The weather here is freezing, a stark contrast to my hometown where the sun shines almost year-round.
Mr. Mapple, my Siberian cat and fluffy master, is still curled up comfortably in his bed. I snap a picture and send it to my sister before whipping up a quick breakfast of coffee and cheese toast — simple and ready in under five minutes. Of course, I also prepared some cat food for His Majesty or else I risk being fired as his loyal servant!
I head off to work after a refreshing shower. Work is undeniably tiring. My desk job back home didn’t exactly prepare me for physically demanding labor. It took a while to adjust to the aches and pains, but hey, maybe that’s a sign I should move more. Despite the physical toll, the pay is good, my colleagues are awesome, and my bosses are thankfully sanity-savers. What’s not to love?
After work, I go home to collect Mr. Mapple for his (slightly begrudging) walk. He loves his fish and kibbles a little too much, and despite my love for his growing chubbiness and cuteness, the vet insists he needs to maintain a healthy weight.
When Mr. Mapple declares his walk complete by dramatically flopping down in protest, I pick him up and we head to the park for a well-deserved rest. As I lay on the soft grass with Mr. Mapple snuggling beside me, bathed in sunshine, feeling the warmth seeping through my flesh, feeling life wrapping gently around me —
In this moment, I realize something incredible — today, no random tears triggered by the upsetting movie I watched the night before (like you know, Maid and Baby Reindeer). No emotional rollercoaster. It still hurts, but it’s a dull ache rather than a sharp stab. My mind feels clear, I can go about my day without feeling completely lost or falling apart.
I’m not spending my morning staring blankly in my room, questioning the meaning of ‘real abuse’ and if I somehow deserved it.
Honestly, I can’t even remember many things. My childhood is a patchwork of blurry memories with gaping holes. And I’m not sure if I ever want to remember, if I ever have the courage to. After all, our brains probably shoved those memories down there for a reason, right?
Abused for real? What does that mean?
Maybe I’ll never know for sure.
Maybe I’ll never know if my scars are the result of physical and/or emotional violence— but, I know, deep down, even with all the happy moments –
This could not be love.
And maybe this is what I need to make peace with, to never really know, to never really get that clarity of black and white, to never really get that closure.
I’m trying to put the past behind me, letting go of what happened and what didn’t happen.
Regardless of what happened, regardless of my fears and all the uncertainty, I choose to move forward.
I’ve stopped chasing validation from others, stopped seeking safety and comfort from those bringing me fears and terror.
And I welcome every joy that come into my life without fear of making mistakes or messing up.
I’m living on my own terms. No longer feeling so powerless.
Here and now, as I lay on the soft grass with Mr. Mapple, bathed in sunshine, feeling the warmth seeping through my flesh, feeling life wrapping gently around me –
I know that I’m not worthless.
I’m enough, always.
So yes, Alex, this is my best day yet — even if it’s a few years (or maybe even decades) down the line.
But I know, with absolute certainty, that this day will come.
